On Not Fitting In

I never quite understood the idea behind the square-headed teacher making talk to the student with a circle for his head. It was never actual up until now, where I began to get this special, uncontrollable urge to do something creative (how I absolutely detest that overused word!), and always, how the school puts it, the “wrong way round".
Discipline is good. I love discipline. The fundamental concept exists and is highly crucial in all subjects, movements, arts, etc. This sounds very obvious and we take it for granted; the things that surround me right now have been immaculately designed and developed. Take, for example, my RBS card-reader, carelessly lying about on my table. When I use it, it feels right in my hand, the colour palette is very pleasing. The simple monochromatic display shows all the necessary information, not more. Utter discipline is observed throughout the design. If you ask me, discipline can be seen everywhere (apart from those embarrassingly scammy corporate websites from the ‘90s).

The point I’m trying to make is that I try hard to follow rules; and yet I embarrassingly fail - I go off-topic, wander away into the realms of my disturbing and unhoned imagination - the school demands something wholly different and, in ways, very unintelligible and primitive. I want to show off, dedicate my whole self and show the world that I can achieve more than the rest. In other words, I crave to break the rules and establish my own standards, my own style, my own thoughts and ambitions. I do not want to follow, I want to lead. But right now, that’s an itch that I cannot (and must not) scratch; I must make myself well-acquainted with the standards defined by society, to be able to tread among the path of others. God, it’s so difficult right now, but I wouldn’t expect much less, really. I’ll just have to “go with the flow", which seems like an estuary of molten lava, merciless and brutal.

$root - whoami
needle in haystack

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// To the future

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