All or Nothing

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, she said. Try and build new relationships, to be more forward in your approach. She’s damn right about that last bit, but having found someone, I want to dedicate myself to that one person. There cannot be anyone else at the same moment, for I have neither the capacity of character, nor any inclination to pursue anything new. No half-measures. I told her just that. With her hippie earrings and her accepting outlook on life, she wanted to say something helpful, but couldn’t, so resorted to a quiet retort about the fascinating world of opportunities awaiting me, if only I’d given it a chance. I decided I needn’t any of her ambiguous advice, this time. However helpful she may be, I knew what I wanted, and only that someone could change that.

I felt emotionally drained, elated, tired. I told her that. She sympathised as much as she could. After all, that’s what she does best.
It’s always nice talking to strangers — especially strangers, opening up about things that you’d never think of telling anyone else. Like a confession, but relaxed and casual.

She asked me to consider the possibilities, of the outcomes that my decisions may lead to. I told her I’d consider them when the time comes for them to be considered. She grinned a sad grin. Something’s wrong, but only I can change that. I cannot accept defeat. Tread lightly, but firmly, I tell myself. After all, I have absolutely nothing to lose. My uncle used to say, it’s either all or nothing, always reminding me that Mercedes made use of the same phrase in their slogan. Mercedes or no Mercedes, I never wanted this to be the case for myself, but I’m slowly realising that it has come to be so, which is not inherently a good thing. No half-measures — that wonderful attitude can be ruinous. First, learn to control yourself, understand that patience is key, and that in the end all will be well, no matter the initial outcome. A very Russian thing to say, by the way.

* * *

I feel like an imbecile. Having an absolute lack of experience in such matters makes matters that much harder to comprehend. I need to cut some slack where it needs to be cut. Temperamental and confused. Depressed, volatile, I’m scared of myself and of the conclusions I may or may not come to realise. One thing to note, though, is that many of my current insecurities are ephemeral, and that I’m a changing man.

My aims stay put, however.

$root - whoami
lovelorn lunatic
From Scruffy to DiCaprio

// Go back in time

One of Those Nights

// To the future

Posted on
Tagged under Truth Depression Nick Selensky Food for Thought